Just Me

I’m doing fine in Form 6… Not. Everything’s going bad, and I hate to admit it, maybe I’m just affected by things around me. Well, bullcrap. Everything is from me right… But seriously, it’s so hard for me to study around these people in my class… I’m not saying they are not productive, maybe they are in other things, but education… Let’s just say they chose beer. Or love. Or cigars. Or games. Damn it. I’m not angry at them, I’m angry at myself!

I am suppose to follow my instincts and just go on doing what I want to do. But it’s so hard… Keeping up that professional face… I’m tired man… Can’t we just move on already… Gossips aren’t fun anymore… Jokes aren’t funny anymore… Seriousness ain’t scary no more… Everything is linked to the word “not anymore”. I’m staring at blank space sometimes… I’m not emo (don’t get me wrong!!!) it’s just that, I’m looking at my life… Go. It’s not stopping and I’m getting stressed up. Maybe I have inner problems. Jeez, I might need a psychiatrist.

Today is… 1st of March 2009. I hate remembering dates… Looking at the year part. It’s increasing. Yea, I know… You might say “now then you know”. Yea, now then I know. Don’t you? What’s the best thing that happened lately? I can’t remember. The saddest memory? Too many. Joyful moments? In/Uncountable. (forget my vocab…lol). Anywho. What am I doing? I’m not breaking the point yet. I’m currently trapped in a situation where I’m lack of almost everything. Socially, mentally, physically… Let’s just say my life kinda suck right now. It suck in so many ways ultimately.

Can’t rely on friends anymore. So, it’s all about me. What’s stopping me? Parents. Boyfriend. Self confidence. Parents don’t agree on what I chose for my career after education, but they raised me so I want to fulfill their wish. I feel bad. They’ve spent so many money on me… And I’ve done so many wrong things to them… I don’t want that karma turning back on me! Boyfriend… I love him so much. And I hate seeing him succesful while I’m lingering around slacking off. He’s a role model to me… Except for his intolerateable anger. He’s unfair at times. Why he’s one reason I can’t pass? Because he’s my guy. If he’s cold, I’ll send over my blanket. If he’s hungry, call me and tell me what you wanna eat, and I’ll get it. Trouble? My shoulder’s here. I can already see my problem as I describe all of these. I’m too available. I was never absent in his life. Am I taken for granted? I love him, I do… But is he… Does he get me? If I look at him, can he read my thoughts from my eyes? Looking at him asleep right beside me… So many things to say… So many words inside… And when he’s awake, it’s all gone. Before I sleep I have his image… Soft and sweet. So many things to say… But i guess fantasy and reality ain’t the same. Reality, he’s just… Another guy. My guy, but just a guy.

Self confidence. I am just a girl. Not the prettiest, never perfect, ordinary girl. I have my flaws… And I want to get rid of it. I’m gaining alot of weight recently, and it’s scaring the shit out of me! I’m 50! Dog darn 50! 50!!! I’m 50!!! I’m not obsessed or anything, but I’m 50!!! I used to be 45. In two years time I’m already 50. 50!!! Then how about 2 years later? 55? I can’t accept that! I gotta do something about myself. I know what them will say… Appreciate what you have and be thankful… I know. Some people has no vision. Can’t walk. Mute. I can sing, and dance… And jump, and run… My vision’s not very good tho. I’m almost blind without my glasses! Thank god they made contacts…my glasses are like - freaking thick! And my body is not in it’s best shape now. When I look in the mirror, I feel so crooked! >

Damn! Time goes by so fast that I can’t even remember what happened last year owh! And as these things go, I’m still living my life pretty good. But it’s not the same without my buddies. I know, I know… There she goes again, whining about being alone… Well, yes! I am alone! Who in the world enjoys sushi ALONE??? >

First of all. I hate form 6. I still do. I still do hate form 6. But now, I  think I’m beginning to like. Well, it’s all because of my supporting friends there. They’re all I”ve got for now. I’ve heard rumors about me… Talking shit behind my back… Whatever man. They have NO idea what I’ve gone through. Seriously. I’m not saying its a big thing, you know? But it is big when you’re feeling a little isolated from the people you used to be with. What the hell did I do to them??? Fuck it guys, I’m confused! And leave me and my personal matters alone!

Maybe if they’re saying things about me, they might just want to come forward and spill it all out instead of me finding it out myself. You have a problem? Come talk to me. What, you’re chickening? For god’s sake, you are pathetic. Yeah, PATHETIC. Okay, this is the part where you’ll say “Pukima ko perempuan, ko ingat ko siapa” and your little annoying voice of saying “Whatever” well guess what - that style rot with age and right now, just three things. I-Don’t-Care. But if you people are still interested to mess and spread dirt in my life, I won’t be very pleased to reveal your true colours.

We’re girls. Girls love gossips. They love hot news. Rumors. But its not good when you’re caught pretending while you’re at their back gossiping. Not good. And we sometimes do talk about our closest friends. Talk bad about them of course. But it doesn’t mean we love them less. We still love them, its just that we have to say something about them. You know, the thing that we want to say to prove that we really know those people. But for me, I’m wise enough to seperate personal things and things that can be considered as a gossip. I don’t trash my friends so hard. They’re my friends, and the most that I can say is about the way they behave or how funny the way they walk or eat or sleep. I don’t discuss matters that they trust me to keep, no matter what you say, its not coming out. That’s me - Love it or hate it. That’s just me. But what about you?

I had a friend before who sold each and every secrets I have. All of it. May she fuck in peace. This taught me not to spill secrets around easily. Except for some facts that I resist to tell yet still said. I mean, use your head lah… If you’re considered as a person who knows how to jaga somebody else’s air muka you won’t be stupid enough to open your mouth wide, right? Damn. Where’s the brain your grannie gave you… USE IT.

All I’m trying to say is you should come when you’re holding something back. Bite me, kick my ass, at least you’re respected and help gain yourself a little courage. Push me harder and I’ll push back. Got it? Good. And one more, please just ease our way in finishing Form 6. I don’t like Form 6, I don’t like not liking you, I don’t like fights and bitching moments whatever crap - I just WANNA live. Okay.

Wow. It’s December. Soon it’ll be Christmas and another year’s gone. So many things happened not only to me but others out there. As for me, this has been a lonely year without my friends *sob* and I strongly feel that life has got to change.

UiTM accepted my application and next year I’d be rolling in. It excites me - being away from noisy parents, having new friends, roomates. But no matter how excited I am, there are still things that worries me.

I’ve never been far from my family, but I guess this would be a great chance for a good start. It’s about time I grow up. Most of my friends are independent now, and the thought of me being the only one who sticks up to my parents like glue embarrassed me. I don’t know about anyone else out there, but every time my heart’s been broken, my parents would be the only people who comforts me. When I’m sick someone’s there to put me into bed and gives me whatever I need. Friends are nice and lovers are sweet, but they can’t do much. There is always something that they couldn’t give up completely - their family, pride, time.

My parents are getting older, and they need my attention. Who knows how many more years they could live. My childhood wasn’t as pretty as anyone else’s cuz my father was a drunkard and had been very abusive to me and my mother. I never respected him.  But as I grow, I finally realized that sometimes we make wrong judgements just because we see violence and self-eating ego. I was wrong and for that I’m sorry.

I remembered when my mother told me not to date before I was ready. But love comes anytime, anywhere, and when it comes, it just cannot be avoided. I fell for it and betrayed her wishes. Now I know the reason is that she just wanted to keep me away from terrible heart aches and painful break-ups. Because it’s true, break-ups are so painful and I how I wished I listened to her now.

My parents never wanted me to see people and those terrible things they would do for money, pride and so many more. Betrayal, empty promises. These things are the things that brings people to change from better to worse and they never wanted me to be a part of it. But curiousity wins over me and soon I find myself sneaking behind their back, stepping into dirt. I regretted so many of my actions that it left me fooling and lying to myself that everything’s okay and each lie formed a scar in my memory.

I did all I could to cover my flaws in front of people - pretending to be someone I’m not, pretending to be as special as everyone else, creating another personality in me and do things to keep people impressed. And now I’ve been thinking, why would I want to this? Why would I want to confuse people’s mind with me saying things that I never meant? Even to my own lover - I confused his head that he’s going haywire trying to figure out what’s wrong with me when the answer was so simple. “I just want you to be close and let me cry when I’m sad”. To say this sentence out, I had to play a drama where I keep silent and stare blankly at an empty space with nothing playing in my head - just wishing him to do something unexpected. Why would I be so ego? I could just tell him… But words seem to get stuck somewhere in my throat and in the end I just swallowed everything back down.

I never wanted to be a drama queen. Never tended to impress anyone else but I can’t just seem to help  myself when I’m being left out. Getting myself drunk for no reason, embarrassing myself in front of friends crying and screaming. That moment, I admit I was feeling a little depressed because I had so much to say to this someone but I never had the guts to actually go and say it out loud. It resulted super depression and caused me to be something I’m not. Now when I look back, I felt so foolish when I know I have options and I stupidly chose that. I can just walk up to that someone and express how I felt and maybe, just maybe, we would still remain close friends. Foolish me.
Another thing that I realized from my observation is that, friends are has a very complicated way of bonding. I have several friends, let’s say friend A is so not popular, friend B is just ordinary and friend C is super cool. B and A are good friends but when C is around, either A or B would change - trying to be as cool as C and one of them would feel neglected. And another thing I realized is that some type of friends are plainly stupid. They care for people who don’t even give a damn about them and treat them extra special but blindly walk past people who actually really cared for them. I guess I had played every role I mentioned, from being that not popular friend, to that tripper, to that backstabber and to that stupid person who cared for someone who didn’t care about me. All hurts just the same, and in the end, I learned that all I have to do is play their game. They call me, I call them. I call them, they don’t call back, it’s over. It’s easier this way, huh?

And I’ve also done some terrible things in the past and never hope to be forgiven but at least I know I deserve a second chance to become someone more thoughtful than I am before. I don’t want to live in guilt and I would really appriciate if the people I’ve hurted before could let me make it up to them somehow. Repenting is good, but forgiving is a bless. I was blinded by people and had me done things I deeply regret. And to this, I learned that not everyone could be trusted, eventhough they’re the closest to you. And to those I’ve hurt, I’m sorry. I really am. Especially to ex-lovers that I’ve betrayed. I’m lying if I say I did not mean it that way, because I knew the greed I had. I’m sorry for the tears I caused you, and I’m sorry for letting you down.

To my baby, you’re such a great person. In the future I would like to remind you everyday that you’re my everything and I want to give it all to you. Though we have our ups and downs, and sometimes there are moments that really forced us to freak out at each other, evrything turns out to be just fine in the end and keeps us closer and closer to each other. If you’re reading this, I know what’s in your head -  “So dramatic…swt =.=” and yes, I am, towards you, and it’s not even good enough to express these feelings I have! Just so you know, you’re the craziest guy *so crazy!*, but you’re the sweetest thing *totally!* and for that I’m thankful because you belong to me. :3 And remember, I always belong to you and remind me that everyday because it makes me happy. ^^ But please go easy on your temper… :. It’s getting scarier everyday… T.T

By the way people, some updates about me. I’ve got long hair! It grew! *lies* LOL~ But it I really do look good in long hair. So phyl, get your ass home and come see my wig! Haha! (cost me a big 500 for this damn hair of mine - you know I’ll never tahan to grow my own anyway T.T) I had some plans for us again! This time, we’ll hit K-BoX all night long. Hehehe! And I just upgraded my car. Changed cushion wrap and white light! Looking forward to have those Ameron speakers and amp. I’m going to do a sticker for my car soon and I’ve chosen a name for it… AMOROUS - which stands for flirty lovely! ^^ Hee! I’ll be aiming for rims next year, same time as I buy my new PDA cell! Yay~!

If I were a boy
Even just for a day
I’d roll outta bed in the morning
And throw on what I wanted then go
Drink beer with the guys
And chase after girls
I’d kick it with who I hated
And I’d never get confronted for it.
Cause they’d stick up for me.

If I were a boy
I think I could understand
How it feels to love a girl
I swear I’d be a better man.
I’d listen to her
Cause I know how it hurts
When you lose the one you wanted
Cause he’s taken you for granted

And everything you had got destroyed

If I were a boy
I could turn off my phone
Tell everyone it’s broken
So they’d think that I was sleepin’ alone
I’d put myself first
And make the rules as I go
Cause I know that she’d be faithful
Waitin’ for me to come home

But you’re just a boy
You don’t understand
Yeah you don’t understand
How it feels to love a girlsomeday
You wish you were a better man
You don’t listen to her
You don’t care how it hurts
Until you lose the one you wanted
Cause you’ve taken her for granted
And everything you have got destroyed
But you’re just a boy…

Time flies by so fast isn’t it? You started crawling and crying for the baby bottle, and now… Almost everything rushes you between seconds and minutes for a decision to be made. To be honest, I’m still blank about what I’m going to be either. Life turns out to be a decision - no matter how you look at it. And He did not gave us many options either, after deciding, the result would only be a colourful success, or a dull regret. The only constant thing that never change even after 20 billion people out there are done deciding is that, life still goes on.

I’ve been escaping realities way too many times lately. Drowning myself in time by sleeping away all the worries, avoiding soon-to-be made decisions by locking myself in the room never wanting to go out… Went to the club with friends, flirting away with the loud music… Yeah. For the moment, I was really forgetting everything. I was enjoying myself, moving to the beat, sipping on drinks… But then, when you’re fully conscious, fully sobered up, those things will haunt you double than before. That means, more thinking, more worrying, more this and more that. Sigh. What would it take for me to just get a break from this change? This teen going adult change… I’m so stressed up… @.@

It’s not that I have many things to worry about - actually. Parents of mine start to put their hard-owned assets to me… Cars, houses… And I am happy, just… Afraid. Afraid that I’ll be the cause of a big loss someday. I understand what people might say… “She’s lucky that she doesn’t have to go and work her ass of like the rest” or “What a life she has - being the only child and getting whatever she wants”… People… I did not ask for this… I did not ask to be the only child and no, I did not ask to be given things just like that. It’s just luck.

But look closely at me… Do you think I’m happy? Screw you people who keeps on asking me to view poor Africans that starves to death and all and still say I doesn’t know how to appriciate life… A girl like me, understands enough other people’s suffering and I’m so grateful with whatever I have! But if I chose to care about 5 thousand kids all the way in Africa, what about maintaining our statuses? What about the reputation we are trying to keep? Sure, we pity them all, and we forward videos to help them out… I did it… But my main point here is, we all have our own life! If celebrities all around the world join arms in building a new nation for the poors, I really do believe that there are more than one miracle that could be made… But, what do they do? So why judge me before them? Why? Because them are them and I am me? It’s unreasonable. =.=

Keeping life real is not easy. Sometimes, we gotta do what we hate to do and that’s that. Don’t look at me and say I don’t have to do a thing because as far as I’m concerned, I did every single thing I could. Hesitations are the only problem that comes to me every now and then. Somehow, I’ll get through it, I promise. I just find myself stopping… For unexplained reasons. You might answer differently to others when they ask you, but we ourselves knew what the reason really was. As for me, I’m afraid that I’ll make a decision that I’ll regret forever.

Does not mean I’ll waste my life hesitating forever tho… That would be recklessly stupid. Too stupid. I just need a moment. I wonder why would some people assume one year is too long to decide something that sets your whole life in the future. 1 year = forever, too long? I don’t think so. What if you just decide to this today and finding out that you hate what you’re doing 20 years later? You’ll say “If only I…” now, that’s what I’m trying to avoid. That one sentence starting with these 3 words. If only I. I’ve said it before, and no, I’m not going to say it again. I’ve regretted enough. I’ve ruined things enough.

All I’m asking now is that I have a place to go to when I’m lost, a family to support me when I’m down, friends who’d yell at me when I did wrong and a man whom I can really look up to as a role model. A hand that could assist me when I crawl and legs that could run with me when I run. And finally winning the race with me together. I laughed at myself sometimes, knowing that what I want is really rare, and I would really have to search for Mr. Right. Nothing much in him, just someone that I could be really proud to have. What am I saying, men like that are for perfect people only. =) I’m just another incomplete being sharing the air of this world, but innerly, I could love better than anyone else if he’s the right one, fulling every desire he needs if he wants me for me. Yet, I’m still out of luck. Guess the world is out of stock. *Laughs*

Anyway. Like I said, it’s not that I don’t appriciate what I have in life. I am. I love my friends. I love my family. And I love him. But he’s changed. To better or worse I can’t really explain. How would I put it… He has become worse to make things better or he sacrificed now for the future - sort of like that. Which brings me to question, how in the world will he win my heart when we’re drifting apart? He said I never understand. Well, yes. I never did. I mean, read what I just wrote! How would you live your life with someone you barely even ‘know’? Somewhere between yes I know him but I don’t really know him fact. Sigh. And he always ask me to listen what he wants only… Never has he asked me politely, gently and automatically “what does my dear baby need?” Is it so hard to say it? Leos! Ego never ending! >:. His head is no different than a rock lately… Put it to rest! /:(

I do love looking at him when he is sleeping. So calm and so… Tired. I feel bad for him sometimes, but remembering how harsh he was on me… Well, it serves him good. I just hated the way he listens to my problems or when I talk. As if, he’s not interested. God, like, I don’t wish to talk to a wall either, you know? Maybe it’s just me being overly sensitive, but it’s really hurtful when you talk and you’re sort of being - ignored. I hate being ignored. Nobody likes being ignored. Some people are pissed off when they’re being ignored, but when he ignores me… I really feel like going down from the car and run back home. It’s just, sad. I’m not a guy… I’m still a girl. Even if you think I’m the sickest girl alive… *laughs* I’m still a girl, and I have another personality that you would think it’s impossible for me to be. I never ask to be mean… I’m so shy actually. And yes, I’m softhearted. Easily hurt. And don’t make me yell at you! :’( Because it hurts me…

Alright, enough about him… Sigh. It was such a boring holiday. Phylly came back to KK for Raya holiday but now she’s away again. I miss my friends. I miss having group outings. Steph’s away too, but I’m guessing she’s having a great time in KL, so I’m not worried about that kiddo. She’s always up to something, so I can’t wait to hear her stories soon. Phylly… *sob* I miss you!!! Why is the air ticket so expensive… If it’s RM50 I wouldn’t mind going there once a month… (of course, to do some shopping and sight seeing too!) But yes, life back in KK is just so dull… Luckily I have a new close friend who always talk to me every 3 hours… PS2! My one and only close friend now… So pathetic… *Sigh* :’( I want to join my friends… I’ve always dreamt that me and my friends could go for college life together like the way we used to back in secondary school… Me, Phyl, Song, Viv, and the rest… How nice it would be to study at the same place and rent out an apartment just for ourselves… And go on with college life… That would be exciting! Which reminds me of a promise I made to someone a long time ago… Sorry we could not fulfill it… But things are just not the way it was, you know? Though I hope maybe somehow… Nah. Forget it. Live your life happily, you hear?

So, back to the story line… I’m really appreciating what I have in life now. Although things are not going on exactly as what I call excellent, it’s never really bad for me. Sure we have our ups and downs, but just never forget who we really are and where we come from. Never forgets the old when he have something new will keep people’s support for us strong and enables us to strive for the better. But somehow, some people failed to that quest. It’s a sad thing. But I wouldn’t care less. As long as I know I’m not a part of them losers. *sorry!*

Oh well. It has been quite a long talk. Sure made me feel better, though my fingers are starting to hurt. Maybe it’s because of my rubber key pad? It’s really hard for me to type with these keys. I am so gonna buy a new one. >:. Then I’m gonna blog again. Right now, I’m gonna just go down and finish my Zinger. Life is just so lonely when the phone is silent… :’( *hint* *laughs* nah! Just kidding. I know you’re working but really… My phone is just so… Silent… =.=

P/S : Did you people (anyone who cares enough to even read my blog) realize that everytime I blog, well, not everytime, most of the time - Most of the time, I can start off with a serious manner than ends up being happy? I found out today that talking a.k.a. blogging makes me happy! Yay! So what makes you happy? Think of something, then do it! ^^

*i love talking~~~ i love talking~~~ i love talking~~~*

Okk-kay. THAT was weird.